The L-word
by Default Jane
Summary: Isabela's never been fond of bringing feelings into things, let alone saying or hearing the dreaded L-word, but over time, Hawke managed to change her mind about it. (no, this has nothing to do with the tv show with the same title, I'm thinking of a different L-word)


Hawke stood on the balcony overlooking the lower level of the mansion. The estate was too quiet and empty nowadays for her. Bethany was at the circle, their mother gone, Bodhan and Sandal having moved on too. Hawke's mabari, Grunt, kept her company, but it wasn't the same as having people around her. It was bitter irony; the estate she'd worked so hard to reclaim was now mostly empty because she didn't feel like spending time home either. The few friends she had who were still in Kirkwall liked to spend their time at the Hanged man, and so did Hawke.

There'd been times when she'd been desperate enough to consider asking Gamlen to move in, but she'd come to her senses at the last minute. Instead, she'd given him a generous amount of coin so he could get himself a nicer place, and to her surprise, he had done just that rather than squandered the coin away. Hawke suspected it was the influence of Charade, and she was glad to see her uncle had managed to keep from messing up his relationship with his daughter.

The door opened and Hawke hid from the view. Isabela walked in and Hawke could hear her scoff. She assumed Isabela was not impressed by the trail of rose petals scattered on the floor, leading toward the stairs and up. Hawke knew better than to expect Isabela to swoon over minor romantic gestures, but she had always liked a challenge.

Isabela climbed the stairs, following the trail until she reached the bathroom where Hawke waited for her.

"Now, this is what I'm talking about," Isabela said when she saw what Hawke had set up. The room was illuminated by the slew of candles Hawke had lit and scattered around the room. Light steam rose from the scented water in the bathtub.  
"I'm glad you came," she said. Isabela had adamantly refused to move in despite Hawke having invited her to. Isabela had never liked hightown and nothing would change that, not even her fondness of Hawke.

"Get in before it gets cold," Hawke smiled and Isabela undressed, taking a moment to test the water before climbing in the tub and slowly submerging herself.

"I have to admit, I'm suspicious; people rarely do me favors out of the goodness of their heart," Isabela muttered and Hawke sighed, rolling her eyes a little. Isabela should know better by now, but Hawke didn't think she could really blame her, based on what she knew of the pirate and her past, it wasn't like she'd have any reason to trust another. Then again, in Hawke's defense, it had been years and she'd gone up and above for Isabela, repeatedly, and indeed she'd done it out of the goodness of her heart. Isabela's insistence on making it up to Hawke in the best (maybe the only) way she knew how was just an added bonus.

"When are you going to learn to trust me?" Hawke inquired as she knelt by the bathtub, standing on her knees on a pillow she'd placed between them and the floor, positioning herself so that she was behind Isabela. She noticed Isabela was regarding her intently through the mirrors, as if she was expecting Hawke to pull out a blade and slit her throat, but Hawke pretended not to be aware of the scrutiny.

"We may never find an answer to that," Isabela's eyebrow rose. Hawke cracked a smile, shaking her head at her.  
"You asked if I thought you needed a bath, and I always think you need a bath because you're a filthy woman, Isabela," she snickered.

"You say that like it's a bad thing!" Isabela scoffed.  
"It is a bad thing when we have to camp out and I have to sleep in a tent next to you when you're covered in blood and Maker only knows what else."

"You're awfully judgmental about that for a woman who has had a smear of blood on her face for as long as I've known her," Isabela pointed out, tilting her head back a little to be able to give Hawke a smug smirk.

"It's not real, it's a birthmark. I had someone tattoo over it to make it look like a smear of blood because I thought it looked awesome and intimidating," Hawke explained as she tugged on the bandana Isabela wore. She set it aside and reached for a pot which she proceeded to dunk into the tub.

"Well, I had figured as much since it's never changed in all the years I've known you," Isabela said. Hawke didn't speak, just smiled as she poured warm water from the tub over Isabela, getting her hair thoroughly wet. Hawke grabbed the soap and rubbed it vigorously between her hands until they were covered with a thick layer of soap.

"That smells divine," Isabela commented when Hawke lathered her hair with the honey-scented soap.

"I thought you might like it," Hawke smiled, taking her time to massage Isabela's scalp as she slowly and thoroughly washed her hair. Isabela finally relaxed and leaned back a little, swirls of steam circling on the surface of the warm bathwater and rising in gentle streaks from Isabela's skin when the heated wet tissue met the cool air. When she was done washing and rinsing Isabela's hair, Hawke moved on to wash the rest of her body. She gave the sponge a proper lather before pressing it firmly against Isabela's skin and running it across her upper back and shoulders.

"That feels amazing," Isabela hummed and Hawke added a little more pressure to offer a proper scrub. When she was done with Isabela's back, she ran the sponge down along her outer arms and over to her collarbones and only an inch below them, not further. Isabela tolerated it patiently for about half a minute before gripping Hawke's arm and gently prying the sponge from her fingers.

"I think you can do better than that," she said, tilting her head back and offering Hawke her trademark crooked smile, the one that always had made Hawke go all soft and weak inside every time she saw it. The effect hadn't faded one bit over the years.

Hawke slid her hands lower, letting them sink under the water as she moved to cup Isabela's breasts, the sides of her thumbs brushing over the pierced nipples. Isabela had tried convincing Hawke to have her nipples pierced as well, she had marketed the idea to her by letting her know it would make her more sensitive, in a good way. The mere thought of piercings -on her nipples or anywhere else more exotic than her earlobes (which also remained unpierced)- made Hawke cringe, but she had grown to like playing with the various piercings Isabela had once Isabela had managed to assure her that doing so didn't hurt her.

Hawke let her hands travel further South, the soap long since dissolved into the water, the pretense of this being an act of merely getting cleaned was quickly being abandoned altogether. She leaned further over, Isabela's head resting against Hawke's shoulder, the water from her hair quickly seeping through the fabric of Hawke's shirt, but she didn't care. She raised her arm and sunk her hand into Hawke's black hair, balling it into a firm but still gentle fist. She pulled on Hawke who eased into the movement, turned her head and gladly surrendered into the kiss. Isabela broke it shortly after when Hawke's fingers made their way past her lower abdomen and through the coarse, curly patch of hair until she reached the three piercings between Isabela's legs, the touch causing Isabela to inhale sharply when Hawke gently played with the pair of gold rings piercing Isabela's inner labia. She would've kept teasing her longer had Isabela not shifted impatiently so that Hawke's fingers slipped over to the vertical curved bar that went through Isabela's clitoral hood.

"I get the feeling you want to take this to the bedroom," Hawke murmured with a smile that was audible in her voice.

"Am I that obvious?" Isabela smirked. Hawke was about to get up and go fetch the clean water to rinse the remnants of soap from Isabela's skin but the pirate held her still for a moment longer, her hand still in Hawke's hair. She quirked an eyebrow in a silent question but Isabela didn't explain her want to delay. She looked like she wanted to say something, but instead she stole another quick kiss before letting go of Hawke.

"No one's ever given me a bath before."  
"No way," Hawke gasped in exaggerated mock-disbelief. "I was sure you'd had the sailors working _under you_ give you a royal treatment and bathe you like the queen you are," she added somewhat sarcastically.

"You're such an ass," Isabela laughed, shaking her head. "But seriously... no one ever has expressed much genuine concern for my well-being before you. I'm not used to all this, to being... you know."  
"Cared for?" Hawke inquired.

"That too."

Hawke chortled softly. Isabela flustered and awkward was a rare sight, usually the woman was unembarrassable, but when it came to discussing emotions, she was acting like admitting she even had feelings would make her physically ill. Hawke didn't usually tease or push her about it, she didn't need Isabela to repeatedly reassure her of her feelings, the way she behaved was a far more convincing sign of her feelings toward Hawke.

"I never expected anyone to care. I didn't want it either really because love is, simply put, complications galore."  
"I'm not arguing with that," Hawke said and Isabela nodded.

"Yes. But..."  
"Yeees?" Hawke drawled, admitting she was enjoying this a bit too much and that she wasn't being exactly fair.

"But the truth is... that despite all my efforts to not go there, I've... I mean... What I'm trying to say is... Hawke, I lo-"

Hawke's attempt at relieving the tension and offering Isabela an out before she'd have an aneurysm trying to admit her feelings for Hawke out loud came almost a bit too late, but worked just as effectively.

"Andraste's tits, Hawke, what are you doing!" Isabela yelped and bolted out of the tub when Hawke poured a bucket of ice cold water over her.  
"Well, I gotta rinse you off, don't I?" Hawke grinned in fake-innocence.

"Oh, that's it, you're getting hurt!" Isabela narrowed her eyes at Hawke whose gaze darted between Isabela and the bucket which still had a quarter of cold water left.  
"Don't even think about it!" Isabela warned her.

"I'm telling you, I'm standing here, thinking about it."  
"If you do that, I will-"

Isabela didn't have a chance to finish her threat; Hawke tossed the remaining cold water on her and bolted toward the bedroom, Isabela screaming in frustration, chasing after her. She tackled Hawke onto the bed and straddled her lower abdomen, pushing her hands against Hawke's shoulders to keep her down.

"You're dripping all over me!"

"Serves you right!" Isabela said, leaned over Hawke, and shook her head vigorously to shake excess water from her hair so that it rained over Hawke's face. She tolerated it for a while to appease Isabela's need to get some kind of revenge before she rolled them over so that Isabela was pinned underneath her.

"I'm sorry, I was just trying to do you a favor because you were to uncomfortable it was beginning to make me feel uneasy too," Hawke explained herself.  
"That's it?"

"Of course, what else would it be?" Hawke frowned a little and Isabela managed to shrug one shoulder a little.  
"I don't know, I thought that maybe you didn't want to hear it from me," she said, sounding nonchalant, but her demeanor still somewhat tense. Hawke became more serious as well and sighed a little bit.

"I'm sorry. That's not what it was about. I just don't want you to think you need to go out of your way to push yourself out of your comfort zone. I know you've already done a lot for me," Hawke said.  
"I have, but you never asked me to."

"I did that one time when I told you I didn't want you to have sex with Zevran."  
"Well, you made up for it, and in hindsight, I think you did me a favor by stopping me anyway," Isabela laughed softly. "But that's just it, Hawke. You never tried to own me or make demands, you let me do what I wanted... even if it hurt you."

Hawke didn't say anything to that. It _had_ hurt hearing her make all those lewd remarks to other people, having to constantly listen to the commentary about Isabela's loose attitude toward sex, having to put up with others _and_ Isabela herself constantly refer to Isabela as a whore. The latter hadn't upset her because of jealousy as much as it had upset her because she didn't like the idea someone who really could be a decent person was so quick to agree with those who liked putting her down.

Hawke knew it was just Isabela's way of taking away the other people's verbal weapons; if she was the first to call herself a filthy pirate hag and a whore, what derogatory names were left for the others to use? None that would've done more damage anyway.

But as much as it had hurt Hawke to hear all those things, she'd known better than to attempt requesting Isabela to change. It would've been pointless. A person wouldn't change unless they genuinely wanted to change. Demanding something like that from Isabela would've just resulted in her growing frustrated and leaving.

"You know what they say. If you love someone, set them free; if they come back, they're yours, if they don't... they were never really yours in the first place."

"Hawke..."  
"Yes, Isabela?"

"Are we going to have sex or not?" she asked, changing the subject to lighten the mood and poked her tongue out at Hawke who laughed at the gesture.  
"I thought you'd rather we just lay down and talk about our feelings," she jested.

"Rest assured I'll never try to talk to you about my feelings again because you are such an ass about it," Isabela said and there was that crooked smile again, making Hawke feel weak in the best possible way.

* * *

Isabela was still awake hours later, she lay on her side, resting her head on Hawke's arm which was stretched out in front of her as Hawke spooned her. Isabela chuckled a little when she realized how firmly Hawke still held onto her hand despite being sound asleep. She'd always been the type to fall asleep almost immediately after, once or twice she'd actually fallen asleep while still on top of Isabela. Her excuse was that it was Isabela's own fault for wearing her out. She couldn't really argue with that.

Isabela had never imagined she'd find herself enjoying such mushy things, but here she was, silently appreciating the simple act of Hawke holding her hand. It was an oddly intimate gesture despite being so plain. Much like with that, she'd never imagined she'd find herself in a monogamous relationship with someone. She'd always found those boring and lacking, where was the fun in that when there were so many different people who could provide so many different experiences? Limiting oneself to a single lover was downright idiotic. And yet, here she was, doing exactly that out of her own will.

She'd known she was in trouble when she'd realized that the mere thought of Hawke made her feel warm inside and her chest ache in the sweetest way. She'd fought it despite knowing Hawke would've gladly reciprocated, love and romance were a headache Isabela had no use for, it would only end in tears when they'd eventually have to go their separate ways, or Maker forbid if something terrible happened to either one of them. But the harder she'd fought it, the deeper in love she'd fallen with her.

Hawke never judged her for her past or the mistakes she'd made, never tried to tie her down. She was incredibly comfortable to be with and talk with, she always made Isabela laugh and even when the overly understanding and forgiving way Hawke acted made Isabela feel almost ashamed of some of the things she put Hawke through in the past (like running off with the blighted relic), Hawke never held any of Isabela's mistakes against her. It was a level of acceptance Isabela had never known she'd longed for, and certainly never thought she'd actually have with anyone.

"I will never understand how you can be so forgiving. If I were in your boots, I would've given myself to the Arishok for putting me through half of the shit I'd put you through at that point," Isabela mumbled. It had been a long time, but she still thought back on it frequently. And every time she did, she still felt amazed when she considered the fact that Hawke had fought for her. Her! The notorious pirate hag whose life had never had any value to anyone other than herself. Even her own mother had just sold her to the first person who'd offered a half-decent amount for her.

"I don't know what good I did to deserve you," she whispered and squeezed Hawke's hand which was still in her own. To her surprise, Hawke squeezed back. Isabela quirked an eyebrow and turned to look over her shoulder, expecting Hawke to be awake, but she was still asleep, merely reacting on instinct it seemed.

"...but I'm glad you're here. Thanks to you, I've discovered a lot of new things about myself and about everything I used to think were a constant in this world," Isabela smiled.

Thanks to Hawke, she'd found herself caring about things she had previously dismissed as stupid and pointless because she'd felt that to make it in this world you had to look out for yourself and no one else. Hawke's endless and more than often irritating habit of helping others just for the sake of helping them had forced Isabela to reconsider that. Admittedly, she could've done less with rescuing kittens from trees or stupid people from spider-infested caves for no reward, but nowadays it made her just appreciate Hawke more.

Then there was, of course, the sex. Prior to Hawke, Isabela had been quick to agree that even bad sex was pretty good, but looking back, she no longer understood how she'd once settled for so little so easily. To say she was experienced was a severe understatement, and as far as technique went, Hawke didn't do anything Isabela hadn't had done to herself before, but it felt so much better with Hawke.

 _It feels better with me because I love you,_ Hawke had said when Isabela had wondered about it out loud a few days back. She'd never considered that before, never expected it to make such a difference, but it was true. It made all the difference.

That was the first time Hawke had used the L-word, the first time she'd outright said she loves Isabela. Neither had kept their feelings a secret, of course not, but neither had ever explicitly said "I love you" either. Isabela supposed it had seemed somewhat pointless to separately mention it, they knew how they felt. But still, hearing Hawke put it like that, hearing her confess her love so openly... it had felt so good it was almost scary. She dreaded becoming addicted to the feeling of something warm spilling inside her if Hawke would keep saying it. Addicted and possibly desensitized so it no longer had the effect. But, a small dosage once in a while would surely be all right.

Isabela turned around in Hawke's arms until she was facing her. She looked at the sleeping woman with the dark red birthmark/tattoo, and raised her hand to trail her fingers over the mark. Hawke inhaled and exhaled deeply and wrinkled her nose at the ticklish sensation following Isabela's light touch. Isabela smiled and ran her fingers up the bridge of Hawke's nose, over her eyebrow and trailing down along the side of her face, following the jawline and finally paused to cup Hawke's face, leaning over to kiss her softly. Hawke hummed approvingly into the kiss and responded sleepily at first, then with a little more energy as she began to wake up and catch up on what was happening.

Once satisfied that Hawke was awake, Isabela broke the kiss slowly and leaned over to be able to whisper into her ear.

"Do you love me?"

"Do you want me to show you?" Hawke asked with a sleepy knowing grin, for always before the answer had never been anything other than a yes. But now, Isabela let out a soft little laugh as she pulled back to be able to look into Hawke's dark turquoise eyes.

"No," she shook her head and smiled, "this time, I want you to tell me."


End file.
